Swearing Elders

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Andy Schlafly

www.colbertnation.com

U.S. Speedskating

Is Tiger Woods the Joseph Smith of Golf?

2009-12-09T15:48:00.000-05:00

1) Both are quite charismatic.

2) Both have a cult following.

3) Both carefully guarded their public image.

4) Both had multiple women on the side without Wife #1 knowing.

5) Both have multiple defenders despite #4.

6) Both were awesome golfers. OK, maybe not that one.

What is marriage?

2009-12-04T11:02:00.000-05:00

The Bible teaches us to be "as little children." I couldn't agree more.

If you're wondering what marriage is, Grover and his little friend clear it up:

Mrs. Betty Bowers Challenges the Americanness of Mormons

2009-11-23T13:55:00.002-05:00

Kirby says what?

2009-11-22T14:14:00.000-05:00

Robert Kirby, Mormon columnist for the Salt Lake Tribune, argues in his most recent column that you shouldn't divorce someone just because they change their beliefs or religious outlook. Really? I thought the Christlike attitude was to just tell non-believers to get the hell out of your life. At least that seems to be the attitude I see in a lot of Mormons.

Thanks, Kirby. You rock.

No Funeral Potatoes for You!

2009-11-17T20:38:00.001-05:00

The Word - Skeletons in the Closet

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

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U.S. Speedskating

I think I'm in love with Elna Baker

2009-11-11T09:31:00.002-05:00

Elna Baker is the kind of Mormon girl I could fall in love with. (Don't worry, Elna, I'm married and live far from NYC so this isn't at all a come-on.)

So many Mormon women have such a singular view of the world. Not Elna. She's open about her doubts and questions, she's honest about her sexuality, and she takes a nuanced view of her faith, recognizing that it has value while also admitting that it doesn't have "all the answers" to all of life's questions.

That's damn refreshing.

I haven't read her book yet (I just ordered one on Amazon), but did listen to a great interview with her on Mormon Expression this morning. Based on that, I'm very much looking forward to the book. Oh, and I posted a funny-as-hell clip of her a few days back. That's 10-minutes of quality comedy.

One detail from her interview caught my attention. She was struggling with how to end her book as she wanted to be honest about who she was, but who she was wasn't a crisp, clean easy to digest "I'm a good Mormon girl" nor a neat and clear-cut "I'm no longer a believer." Ira Glass helped her understand that it was OK to have this ambiguity. (She appeared on This American Life earlier this year.) Sounds like Ira gave Elna some good advice. I can't wait to read the book.

Happy birthday to our fearless leader!

2009-11-08T22:55:00.002-05:00

Happy birthday, Swearing Elder. As you get elder, I hope you keep on swearing.

Nailed 'em!

2009-11-04T08:56:00.000-05:00

And friends wonder why I'm not anxious to move back to Salt Lake...

Nailed 'Em - Mormon Church Trespassing

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

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U.S. Speedskating

Your Fortune Revealed

2009-10-28T06:30:00.003-04:00

This is well worth ten minutes of your time. Who knew a nice Mormon girl could be so funny? And make sure you stay through the credits for the final comments.

Fellow Swearing Elders, I've just bought your Christmas gifts

2009-10-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

I just read about it and had to buy one for my fellow Swearing Elders; I'm sure your wives won't mind.

Hope you enjoy!

Trekkie Mormons

2009-10-27T13:21:00.000-04:00

Are you a Trekkie? Are you Mormon?

Life just got more interesting for you: The Book of Mormon in Klingon.

No, really.

Light Mindedness and Loud Laughter

2009-10-26T10:12:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across this flow chart and then took a look at the rest of the site. Too damn funny. The site is worth some quality scrolling time.

8: The Mormon Proposition (The Film)

2009-10-20T12:43:00.000-04:00

Another Mormon-related documentary film coming to a DVD player near you (or maybe a theatre if you live in the Jell-O Belt):

Waking up Gay in America

2009-10-18T16:27:00.002-04:00

Pat Bagley hits the mark once again:

One tiny problem is to be LDS or not is a choice. Being gay is not. But the point is still well made. If only Dallin Oaks would see this editorial and "get it." I'm not holding my breath.

Mormons: Worst Persons in the World?

2009-10-15T05:37:00.003-04:00

Two of the three "Worst Persons in the World" last night on Countdown with Keith Olbermann were Mormon, including Dallin H. Oaks, a Mormon apostle. (Yes, Glenn Beck is Mormon for those blissfully unaware.) How does this honor feel, brethren?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Must Hear Podcast

2009-10-06T13:12:00.001-04:00

"Must. Hear. Podcast." doesn't have quite the same ring as "Must See TV," but you get the idea. I mentioned a few posts back that I came across a great new podcast, Mormon Expression. Most of their episodes have been pretty good. But the one they just posted this week might be the best one yet. It's about the new documentary, "In the Shadow of the Temple." This new film is about those who have lost faith in Mormonism and how it affects their lives to depart (or try to) Mormonism and Mormon culture.

After listening to the episode, I'm looking forward to seeing the film. They play the audio of a few clips, which are powerful. One is the voice of a woman who explains that her husband said he would not have married her had she not been Mormon and basically said that he values the church more than her. Let me just say that I can relate. The pain involved in trying to shed Mormon beliefs can be overwhelming. I think the title of their film is quite appropriate; the temple's "shadow" extends to wherever there are Mormons, and that is certainly not contained to the Jell-O Belt.

The filmmakers are not LDS and explain in the podcast how this affected the process of making a movie about "trapped" nonbelieving Mormons. I'm sure it won't be playing in my corner of the world so I'll be ordering a DVD once they are available. For now you can enjoy some outtakes.

Best. Art. Ever.

2009-09-30T18:41:00.008-04:00

Ok folks. Art has reached its apotheosis. All you painters, sculptors, musicians and poets, nice try. Thanks for playing. Go do something useful, because ya done got served!

First there was Arnold "We Are Here to Pump You Up (In Your Spirit Muscles)!" Friberg.

Then the gentler, more photorealistic Del "Ja, den där er Jesus!" Parson.

And we can't forget Thomas "Paint the Light!" Kincade.

But now a new luminary graces us with his art. An art to end all art. Jon "It's a McNaughton!" McNaughton.

BEHOLD!

I know, you're stunned. But there's more. Just in case you're like me, and The Full Meaning of this marvelous, symbol-laden Depiction of Pure Truth (ya heard?) overcomes your aesthetic and congnitive capacities, the Artist has provided (via the magic of the interwebs) an explanatory apparatus here. Trail your mouse pointer over the various Symbols to see their explanations rendered in Truth No Less Powerful for Its Clarity.

And if those explanations aren't enough, you can always join me in taking one of Brother McNaughton's workshops. Know this, though:

One last word—I will endeavor to teach you everything I know except for one thing—"The Grand Master Secret." This is the most important principle I can teach, but I am cautious to whom I reveal it [sic]. I have had only a handful of students who have solved the code in the back of the wordbook. I truly believe it is the key to knowledge.

I'm totally going to figure out that code. (I wonder if Brother McNaughton's Grand Master Secret is anything like this guy's.)

Post your favorite parts in the comments section, that we all may be edified. (Note: be sure to check out the titles of books and the court cases littering the steps. And don't forget to look in the sky.)

UPDATE: A friend sent me this alternative interpretation. Once again, let your mouse do the walking.

___________
Credits: Hat tip to Old Sport for bringing this wonder to my attention in the first place, and to Swearing Elder for directing me to the workshops.

Visitors Welcome*

2009-09-29T14:38:00.006-04:00

*Certain restrictions apply.**

**We won't tell you what those restrictions are.

More details are available in today's Salt Lake Tribune about the Church's new visitation doctrine/policy/practice.

I remember when the LDS Church bought the plaza from the city they promised "a little bit of Paris." I've never been to Paris, is this what it's like there?

Just for fun...

2009-09-27T08:28:00.002-04:00

Bored with the regular church experience every Sunday? I suggest transferring wards to the Spanish Fork 401st ward. Funner. Snarkier. More truthiness.

And the bishop takes suggestions. Try giving your bishop suggestions on how to run the ward!

Evergross

2009-09-21T15:35:00.006-04:00

Last week Bruce C. Hafen of the Quorum of the 70 spoke at the Evergreen International Conference. In his remarks he referred to a resolution of the American Psychological Association. In his remarks, Hafen said that, "Just last month the American Psychological Association adopted a resolution stating that there is insufficient evidence to prove conclusively whether sexual orientation can be changed." However, he cited a Wall Street Journal article about the resolution instead of citing the resolution itself.

Hafen is a former law school dean and college president. He should know better than to cite something out of context. He also should know to cite the original source, not a report on the source, especially when it is so readily available on the Internet.

The resolution reads, in part, as follows (emphasis added):

THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association affirms that same-sex sexual and romantic attractions, feelings, and behaviors are normal and positive variations of human sexuality regardless of sexual orientation identity;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association reaffirms its position that homosexuality per se is not a mental disorder and opposes portrayals of sexual minority youths and adults as mentally ill due to their sexual orientation;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association concludes that there is insufficient evidence to support the use of psychological interventions to change sexual orientation;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association encourages mental health professionals to avoid misrepresenting the efficacy of sexual orientation change efforts by promoting or promising change in sexual orientation when providing assistance to individuals distressed by their own or others’ sexual orientation;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association concludes that the benefits reported by participants in sexual orientation change efforts can be gained through approaches that do not attempt to change sexual orientation;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association concludes that the emerging knowledge on affirmative multiculturally competent treatment provides a foundation for an appropriate evidence-based practice with children, adolescents and adults who are distressed by or seek to change their sexual orientation (Bartoli & Gillem, 2008; Brown, 2006; Martell, Safren & Prince, 2004; Ryan & Futterman, 1997; Norcross, 2002);

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association advises parents, guardians, young people, and their families to avoid sexual orientation change efforts that portray homosexuality as a mental illness or developmental disorder and to seek psychotherapy, social support and educational services that provide accurate information on sexual orientation and sexuality, increase family and school support, and reduce rejection of sexual minority youth;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association encourages practitioners to consider the ethical concerns outlined in the 1997 APA Resolution on Appropriate Therapeutic Response to Sexual Orientation (American Psychological Association, 1998), in particular the following standards and principles: scientific bases for professional judgments, benefit and harm, justice, and respect for people’s rights and dignity;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association encourages practitioners to be aware that age, gender, gender identity, race, ethnicity, culture, national origin, religion, disability, language, and socioeconomic status may interact with sexual stigma, and contribute to variations in sexual orientation identity development, expression, and experience;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association opposes the distortion and selective use of scientific data about homosexuality by individuals and organizations seeking to influence public policy and public opinion and will take a leadership role in responding to such distortions;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association supports the dissemination of accurate scientific and professional information about sexual orientation in order to counteract bias that is based in lack of knowledge about sexual orientation; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association encourages advocacy groups, elected officials, mental health professionals, policy makers, religious professionals and organizations, and other organizations to seek areas of collaboration that may promote the wellbeing of sexual minorities.

Someone at the Feminist Mormon Housewives did a nice job critiquing his talk. The whole talk makes you wonder how long the church will hold onto outdated ideas about homosexuality. Unfortunatly, I think we already know the answer.

Speaking your Mind?

2009-09-13T10:33:00.003-04:00

Here are two recent examples of how dissent is handled in Mormonism.

First, some filmmakers put together a documentary, "In the Shadow of the Temple," about the life of those who are Mormon but no longer believe in the church. They booked a theatre near Portland, Oregon to show their film. The Venetian Theater then reneged:

“We are not going to show your film. It is too controversial.”

Second, a man decided to give his "final testimony" at church and had someone film him. They turned the microphone off. Well, that's one way to silence you. (Fast forward to about 4:30 for the "action.")

Mormon Expression

2009-09-04T14:07:00.003-04:00

I recently discovered Mormon Expression, a new podcast about Mormonism with an accompanying blog for discussion of the podcasts. The purpose of the podcast seems to be similar to the original intent of this blog: to have an "ongoing dialogue of all things Mormon."

I've been listening to the first several episodes over the past week -- in the car, on the plane, in my home office while working. The discussions are very fair, definitely leaning toward a rational view of the culture, doctrine, and practices of the LDS Church.

So far there are 11 podcasts. The first was on "Leaving the church, but not leaving it alone" and others have been on the Book of Abraham (how I went so long without knowing much about this is beyond me), on Internet vs. Chapel Mormons (a very interesting description), and on marriage and women in the church.

Some may be familiar with John Dehlin's Mormon Stories podcast (more than 200 episodes). I wasn't into podcasts when Dehlin was running his podcasts (but have since listened to a few that are archived on his web site, which I found to be quite excellent). The Mormon Expression gang interviews John in their tenth podcast, which is an enlightening interview.

I'm still not a podcast fanatic, but it is nice to have something to mix into the commuting playlist.

What if Sacrament Meeting were like an Academic Conference?

2009-09-01T09:32:00.000-04:00

Some time back I was sitting in sacrament meeting listening to talks about "staying steadfast to the end." Several people spoke on this same theme. One used David as an example. One used Emma Smith as an example. I can't remember the others.

I couldn't resist thinking, "What if sacrament meeting were like an academic conference?"

For those who have never been to an academic conference, here's a basic outline of what happens. In a session, a series of a few speakers give prepared talks based on research they have done. Then a "discussant" (or "respondent"), having received and read these talks in advance, gives a response to these talks. The respondent critiques the papers and gives constructive feedback. Finally, members of the audience ask questions, sometimes these are simple queries, sometimes they are biting criticisms.

Why did I wonder what it would be like if we could have this same kind of exchanges in church? The choices by these speakers seemed so odd, so out-of-place. I wanted to ask the speaker how David, who sent a man into war so he could hook up with his wife, is an example of "staying steadfast"? Same with Emma who left her husband's church community almost as soon as he was dead and buried. How was she "steadfast to the end"?

It's not that I wanted to pick on someone, but rather that I wanted to have an exchange where I could gain insight into someone else's thinking. The purpose of academic conferences is to test out ideas and to be accountable for the ideas you present. In church there seems to be no accountability for ideas presented so long as they are "faith-promoting." (Heretical ideas, of course, are subject to accountability, and right quick.)

I know sacrament meeting, and even Sunday school, will never have the same kind of discourse and dialogue that you would see at an academic conference. People won't test out new ideas. And, so long as ideas are faith-promoting, ideas won't be challenged. But at least I can wonder what it might be like...

News from the Future

2009-08-26T13:55:00.006-04:00

A post previously found in this space was perhaps overly snarky.

So, let me just ask this: Who wants to take bets that those who keep tabs on the LDS Church for posthumously baptizing people will be showing that a year from now that Ted Kennedy will be on that list?

My guess is that he will be. Maybe it won't even take a year.

UPDATE: I guess I'm a prophet, especially in predicting that it wouldn't even take a year:

"Just one day after Kennedy died, someone apparently posted his name on an LDS Church database to have him placed on the list to be posthumously baptized." - Paul Rolly, Salt Lake Tribune, August 27, 2009.

Heavenly Facebook?

2009-08-23T12:25:00.004-04:00

In 1843 Joseph Smith declared:

"And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy."

So, in the Celestial Kingdom we'll all be on Facebook? And by "eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy" does he mean that Facebook won't crash or give us "operating errors"? Cool.

Who will you put on your "hide" list? I don't think I'll need to see Joseph Smith's Facebook feed; I've had a whole lifetime to read his collected works. I would hide Porter Rockwell's news updates, but I think it would be a good idea to be able to see when he's updated his status to read, "Have been ordered to banish Swearing Elder to Outer Darkness. It shall be done."

Chastity

2009-08-03T07:50:00.004-04:00

The recent arrest of two gay men on Main Street by the Orrin Porter Rockwell Society members got me thinking about Mormon views of homosexuality.

These guys were walking across Main Street holding hands. One gave the other a kiss on the cheek. That is what caused the ruckus. The church promised "a little bit of Paris" when they proposed the Main Street Plaza. I'm pretty sure they don't arrest people for holding hands and giving pecks on the cheek in Paris. But I've never been to Paris (France or Texas), so I could be wrong.

What does it mean to be "chaste" according to LDS standards? Before marriage, you can hold hands, hug, kiss, and so on as long as you don't "cross the line."

But if you are gay, the line is moved back to the point that there is no line. You can't even hold hands, hug, or kiss. You can't show your affection to someone you care about in even the most simple ways.

Here's what Gordon B. Hinckley said (emphasis added):

"People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are."

No wonder the Porter Rockwell wannabes tackled these two guys. These guys acted upon their inclinations. No wonder some members of the church can't wrap their mind around the idea of equal marriage rights (aka, gay marriage) or even civil unions. They can't even wrap their minds around two guys holding hands!

Update: Stephen Colbert had some fun with this.

In Sacred Loneliness: The Movie

2009-08-01T09:10:00.003-04:00

Maybe you've read In Sacred Loneliness by Todd Compton. An excellent book.

Well, now the movie version has been released!

(I decided to get my Heretical Home Teaching out of the way early this month.)

Professor Ricky Gervais Explains the Creation

2009-07-23T12:50:00.003-04:00

An important skill for all scholars is the ability to engage with texts, to understand and analyze them. Here Professor Ricky Gervais does just this with the first chapters of Genesis (and living up to this blog's name, there is plenty of swearing), giving the Creation Story a close textual analysis.

A Man on the Moon?

2009-07-20T16:17:00.005-04:00

Happy Moon Landing Anniversary!

Did you eat some Quaker Oats to celebrate the anniversary of the moon landing? Why would I ask such a question?

Here's what Joseph Smith with regards to the moon:

"The inhabitants of the moon are more of a uniform size than the inhabitants of the earth, being about 6 feet in height. They dress very much like the Quaker style and are quite general in style, or fashion of dress. They live to be very old; coming generally, near a thousand years." (Journal of Oliver B. Huntington, Vol. 3, p. 166)

Here's Brigham Young's take on the moon and the sun:

"Who can tell us of the inhabitants of this little planet that shines of an evening, called the moon? When we view its face we may see what is termed "the man in the moon," and what some philosophers declare are the shadows of mountains. But these sayings are very vague, and amount to nothing; and when you inquire about the inhabitants of that sphere you find that the most learned are as ignorant in regard to them as the most ignorant of their fellows. So it is with regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it; it was not made in vain. It was made to give light to those who dwell upon it, and to other planets; and so will this earth when it is celestialized. Every planet in its first rude, organic state receives not the glory of God upon it, but is opaque; but when celestialized, every planet that God brings into existence is a body of light, but not till then." (Journal of Discourses, 13:271, July 24, 1870)

And Joseph Fielding Smith:

On May 14, 1961 Apostle Joseph Fielding Smith announced to stake conference in Honolulu: "We will never get a man into space. This earth is man's sphere and it was never intended that he should get away from it. The moon is a superior planet to the earth and it was never intended that man should go there. You can write it down in your books that this will never happen."

And now a word from some other poet-prophets regarding men on the moon:

Biblical Marriage

2009-07-19T23:06:00.001-04:00

I wanted to understand marriage as defined by the Bible. Luckily, there was this handy little summary available:

Too far?

OK, at least I can say I've posted something in July and done my Heretical Home Teaching.

Completely Irrelevant News

2009-06-03T10:09:00.003-04:00

As the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square Massacre approaches, China has blocked access to web sites that mention this event. They have blocked access to information related to Tibet for a long time.

In completely unrelated news, BYU has blocked on-campus access to YouTube since 2006. Which means students can't relive moments like this one:

But I guess it also protects them from having to remember moments like this one:

Extra! Extra! Another Mormon in the News

2009-05-15T07:59:00.001-04:00

Extra! Nobel Winner Suu Kyi charged in Myanmar after American Mormon's visit.

Again, I could comment, but why? Good grief, what headline is next?

Mormons in the News

2009-05-06T09:49:00.003-04:00

Historical controversies? Who needs 'em? We've got tomorrow's historical controversies today.

Headline No. 1: Church says it donated about $2,000 to the Prop 8 campaign, but in actuality, donated close to $200,000.

Headline No. 2: Church builds multi-million dollar condos with views of the Salt Lake Temple.

Headline No. 3: Church knowingly sends illegal immigrants into the mission field.

Headline No. 4: Church members were involved in writing the justifications for the use of torture in the Bush Administration and the psychologists who "supervised" the tortured were LDS.

Headline No. 5: President Obama's mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was posthumously baptized into the Church.

History is one thing; who cares, right? But what about this stuff?

I had snarky comments for each of these news items but with headlines like these, the snarky comments practically write themselves.

A Bold Future? (Let's Hope So)

2009-04-19T10:50:00.002-04:00

Iowa. Vermont. Prop H8 seems almost like ancient history (probably only to those living outside of California; I'm sure those who were against it and live in the state are still dealing with its effects).

Frank Rich, in today's New York Times ("The Bigots’ Last Hurrah"), provides a wonderful vision for where the nation might be heading, noting that even Utah Governor (and devout Mormon) Jon Huntsman, Jr. supports civil unions and still enjoys an approval rating of 84%. Rich's op-ed is well worth reading.

And, in case you missed the lampooning ad produced by the Colbert Report, here it is. Be sure to wait for the punchline.

The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

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